As I looked around the table, I felt intimidated. We had just taken a personality and vocational test and been informed of our results. Around the table was an apostle to the nations, a leader of thousands and an evangelist to the world. Well, that’s what I heard, after I’d been told I was a servant with the gift of helps! I’ve never forgotten that moment or the strange mix of emotions I felt as I was told my result. I felt both elated and disappointed as well as confused. But I needed to get focussed because we were now waiting to be called in one by one for the final part of our day, the interview. Our interview to become Ministers in Training.
My journey hadn’t been straightforward to this point. I had been working as a full-time Music Director/Worship leader and was now transitioning to become an ordained Minister, so I already had questions about whether I would be suitable. I knew God had called me. Ordination was the logical next step, but surely these test results were wrong. Surely, I’d have to be more than a servant and help people??
Fast forward to last year. After 25 years in full-time ministry, 18 as an ordained Minister, it all ends abruptly. All that was familiar came crashing down around me and God seemed to go silent. Now, as I look back, I realise God wasn’t silent, but I was asking the wrong question. “God, what do you want me to do now?”, I kept asking but heard nothing. It felt like a tumbleweed moment from a classic Western film! Eventually, as I slowed down and started to listen rather than question, I began to recognise the still small voice of God again. He hadn’t stopped talking, I just couldn’t hear because He wasn’t answering my question. He didn’t want to tell me what to do, God wanted to tell me who I was. To remind me of who He had lovingly and intentionally created me to be.
As I look back, I know I loved serving God’s people. Over the years, people would make comments, recognise, and affirm my servant heart. In fact, I was told I had been given many opportunities because they had seen how I served others, even when there was a personal cost. Now before you think I’m blowing my own trumpet; I now recognise I had a problem. With every gift there is a dark side that must be understood and mastered. The challenge for a servant is not to lose their way. As they serve others, they can lose their own identity and forget who they are ultimately serving. Instead, finding their value and identity in the people they serve. Let me explain.
I have two daughters and for many years my day off was a Wednesday and Wednesday night was family film night. It became a tradition that was fiercely protected by the girls who would each week choose the film. I don’t know how many times we watched the Lion King or Princess Diaries, but it didn’t matter, I loved my girls. If they were happy, I was happy. Although they did get frustrated when I fell asleep. Can you blame me on the thirtieth viewing of the same film! Now on my birthday week, as a treat the girls would say: “Dad, you choose the film”. Every year they would ask and every year I had no idea what I would enjoy watching. I had become so used to watching the films they liked that I had forgotten what I liked to watch and the ability to choose.
In a similar way, I think for many years in ministry, I thrived on helping others. It didn’t matter whether I was vacuuming the floor or preaching on a platform, I loved it. But there was a problem. The problem was that my identity and my value had become wrapped up in what I did and in the people I served. Suddenly, when ministry ended abruptly, I didn’t have anyone to serve and scarily I realised I had forgotten who I was or who I belonged to. At first, I was desperate to find someone or something to serve, to regain some value and identity. But God didn’t want me to do anything. Instead, He wanted to remind me that I was His, His workmanship, created for His pleasure.
The truth is, I have been created to serve; the test was right. I’m happiest serving others. This is who God created me to be, to ‘live to serve’. But to serve like Jesus, I need to know that I know that I know who I am and who I belong to. The sentence written in John’s Gospel before Jesus takes off His outer garment and begins to wash the feet of His disciples, is really important: ‘3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel round his waist.’ (John 13:3-4). Jesus knew His position, His authority, and His purpose. Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve. Jesus humbled himself but avoided the temptation to find His value in what He did or His identity in those He served. Jesus got up because He knew who He was and who He belonged to.
All followers of Jesus must be willing to humble themselves and serve people but watch out. Let’s not find our value or identity in what we do or in those we serve. Let’s make sure we serve because we know who we are and who we belong to.
Featured photo by Ismael Paramo on Unsplash
"Live to Serve" 